I keep thinking of Chicken Run when the farmer keeps walking around saying, "It is all in me head, Its all in me head." I just feel nuts. I have conquered a lot lately. I have remodeled a house, I lived in 588sqft for 10 months, I lived through the hardest time in my adult life. Now life is calming down, I still do not feel happy. What is wrong with me. I have so much that I have always wanted. I have a fantastic husband, an incredible little girl and baby boy, a great family that supports me no matter what. I have a great house, with a POOL! Yet I am still not happy. I am constantly told how talented I am, but I look around and see other people more talented. I can not be happy because I always want to be the best. The best mom, the best wife, the best painter, the best teacher, the best photographer, the best at keeping a clean house. I can not be happy with what I have. Why do I even feel the need to be better than someone else? How do I even judge who is better? By what standard? What is wrong with my brain?
I figured out that when I get my focus off of God, and put it on other things, things that I have no real control over, things that are not even really mine, I become lost, unhappy. God keeps bringing these crappy thought patterns that I have had my whole life to the surface and making me deal with them. Well, making is a strong word, He brings them to light, and then it becomes so uncomfortable for me that I have to deal with my stinking thinking. Sure I could strive to be the best, but there will always be someone better than me. I could even strive to be the best me, but I will never hit that goal either. The only thing I can do is focus on God and love Him with my all. He is the only thing that makes me any good at all. Without Him, I am not good. No matter how hard I try, my righteousness is filthy rags. Think about that. No matter how good I seem, no matter how hard I try, all of those actions compared to Him are a nasty smelly pile of filth. That means I do not have to try any more, that means I just love and obey Him, and He makes it happen. His goal is to make me into the best me, but not for me to do it. I am the best I can be, and it just does not cut it. He takes the pressure off. I can love, listen, and obey Him. I can not make myself happy, no matter how hard I try. I will always find something to be unhappy about. So all in all I just have to get my head out of my butt, and put my mind on my God.
