Casa de los Orozcos

Its All in Me Head, Its All in Me Head

2010-08-13T16:57:00.000-07:00

I keep thinking of Chicken Run when the farmer keeps walking around saying, "It is all in me head, Its all in me head." I just feel nuts. I have conquered a lot lately. I have remodeled a house, I lived in 588sqft for 10 months, I lived through the hardest time in my adult life. Now life is calming down, I still do not feel happy. What is wrong with me. I have so much that I have always wanted. I have a fantastic husband, an incredible little girl, a great family that supports me no matter what. I have a great house, with a POOL! Yet I am still not happy. I am constantly told how talented I am, but I look around and see other people more talented. I can not be happy because I always want to be the best. The best mom, the best wife, the best painter, the best teacher, the best photographer, the best at keeping a clean house. I can not be happy with what I have. Why do I even feel the need to be better than someone else? How do I even judge who is better? By what standard? What is wrong with my brain?

I figured out that when I get my focus off of God, and put it on other things, things that I have no real control over, things that are not even really mine, I become lost, unhappy. God keeps bring these crappy thought patterns that I have had my whole life to the surface and making me deal with them. Well, making is a strong word, He brings them to light, and then it becomes so uncomfortable for me that I have to deal with my stinking thinking. Sure I could strive to be the best, but there will always be someone better than me. I could even strive to be the best me, but I will never hit that goal either. The only thing I can do is focus on God and love Him with my all. He is the only thing that makes me any good at all. Without Him, I am not good. No matter how hard I try, my righteousness is filthy rags. Think about that. No matter how good I seem, no matter how hard I try, all of those actions compared to Him are a nasty smelly pile of filth. That means I do not have to try any more, that means I just love and obey Him, and He makes it happen. His goal is to make me into the best me, but not for me to do it. I am the best I can be, and it just does not cut it. He takes the pressure off. I can love, listen, and obey Him. I can not make myself happy, no matter how hard I try. I will always find something to be unhappy about. So all in all I just have to get my head out of my butt, and put my mind on my God.

Well

2008-11-11T18:21:00.000-08:00

I have not been doing a good job at depicting my day to day life to you guys. Sorry. Well, Alina is all better now!!!! I almost forgot how increadibly sweet she is. Gosh I really love her. When I put her to sleep at night all I want to do is sneak into her room and look at her. Danny has a picture of her on his phone, sometimes I catch him looking at his phone, just to look at the picture. How sweet is that. I had my first professional photoshoot on Sunday. I was so nervous I thought I was going to hurl. I knew the family too. What am I going to do when I have a shoot where I do not know the people, like on the 23rd , and on the 29th. I just will not think about it. Once I get behind my camera I feel confident, like Superman taking his glasses off. I am by no means Super photographer. I do not even know how to use the manual mode on the camera. When my dad tells me something about the camera, I am like do what? I just love to take pictures, and if someone is going to pay me to do something I love, AWESOME! My goal is to bless people, I do not ever want to charge too much. In March I get to take pictures of a delivery. I am really nervous about that, but I love to watch births, and to be there to capture that moment forever, wow! I just will not think about all the things that could go wrong. Oh no, that is where my mind is going now. What would happen if I accidently formated the card before I down loaded the pictures. What if I get there too late and do not get to take the pictures. I will stop now, no more thinking about that. It is going to be one of the most awesome experiences ever. Life is phenomenal.

Sick Baby

2008-11-01T11:47:00.000-07:00

I was feeding Alina last night before I put her to bed, and without even moving she threw up her entire meal all of me, pink from the decongestant I had just given her. She felt so bad she did not even move. She just laid there looking up at me with her big blue eyes wanting me to do something to make it all better. I tried to feed her more, but she was just too exhausted to eat. No manner of planning can prepare you for the emotions you feel when your baby is sick. I took her trick or treating that night, because the her doctor made me feel like I was crazy for keeping her home just because she had an ear infection. She did not enjoy herself until she got a lolly pop. After she got her lolly pop, it was the best night ever for her. She was supper cute as Thing 2 and Stevie was Thing 1 (because Stevie Joy was born first). Stevie Was So tired by the end of the night she fell asleep with her sucker in hand.

Alina is much better today, not 100% but much better. If I could avoid her getting sick again I would do anything. There is nothing I can do. I know people who are obsessively clean, and their children get sick too. I now people who keep the children home all the time, and again their child get sick more than Alina. I am just going to live my life, and let Alina live hers. I will just pray harder.